Alec John Jameson (JohnnyJ)

Airshow Day!

Sun, 18 Aug 2002 03:22:51 GMT

Leo and I went with Marilyn and Charlie to the 2002 Airshow to see the Thunderbirds. What an amazing show! I'm all over those jet performances. LOL.

Here's some pics...

Poor Joey! They only had chalet passes for four, so he didn't get to come along. Wow, he missed a great show.

There was beer, wine (softdrinks) and good food, too -- but it was really too hot to eat or drink (alcohol) much. It hit close to 90 degrees in Portland/Vancouver today -- and it's usually around ten degrees higher on the 'tarmack' (doesn't that sound 'official'???). It seemed damned hot to me! LOL.

Leo and I just got back Tuesday of last week from our trip to Cali. We visited his family and friends in San Diego and then went to Los Angeles and saw Kit! It was an amazing trip.

It's great to be home -- and the weather here is amazing. Leo's really feeling 'at home' here right now with all the sunshine and higher temps...

johnnyj

There Are An Awful Lot of Odd People In This World...

Mon, 22 Jul 2002 18:53:16 GMT

I wasn't really planning to do an entry right now, but I went to my email and found an LJ 'comment' in my inbox...

Well, I suppose I'd be best advised to keep my entries here friends-only. Big sigh.

This person who commented is someone I don't know (needless to say). I got the following:

i thought we were soulmates!!!!!!!

Because this girl uses '14' in both her LJ name and AOL IM, I'm guessing that's exactly what she is -- 14-years-old. Well, I'm a high school teacher -- I should be used to the crazed behavior of high school-aged kids...

Anyway, had to delete it and ban her. (I note that she had a pic of a toilet as her icon, by the way. LOL. And another that's of Blink 182. Maybe she's an anti-BSB person...)

Does this make anyone else curious as to how she happened across me? (Heaven save me from teenagers during summer months! LOL.)

Okay, off to do laundry and straighten up. Kids. Got to love them...

johnnyj

Delighted!

Fri, 19 Jul 2002 18:58:08 GMT

Which is what I had wanted to put as my mood. LOL. (Anyone else notice how limited those are sometimes? LOL.)

I got a lovely comment from Evamaria shirasade (from RCF!) and another lovely comment from Sar saharafic (my former online 'girlfriend,' believe it or not!). I'm feeling happy and loved.

Thanks for the comment, Evamaria! I'd like to know you better, too. (And I begged Milo for that icon and he kindly made it for me. I think it's fantastic. LOL.)

Sar, I still treasure your friendship. And obviously God had plans for you and me -- which is why we're friends now, but not boyfriend and girlfriend! I'm as happy for you and Charlie as I am for Leo and me. Life is good -- and we're both very lucky!

Maybe we really are still 'soulmates' in a way -- as very close friends, that is! LOL.

I'm sure glad I found my soulmate Leo (who is just too good for me to do him justice in words!). And that Charlie ended up being the right girl for you! (Who knew we'd both go that way, huh? LOL.)

Give Charlie a kiss and hug for me -- and I'll give Leo the same from you!

johnnyj

Icons...

Fri, 19 Jul 2002 18:41:38 GMT

I have a lovely new one (thanks, Nik!) -- but I'll have to wait to add it... Currently I love what I've got here -- and we unpaid users don't get but three spots! LOL.

Leo and I have yet to decide about doing paid accounts. Personally, as silly as it might sound, even five bucks is a lot of cash to me, still. And I've got so many places it could go besides here. So I'll wait for now, anyway. LOL.

I guess I'll just use some icons for a time and then use different ones later. Again, thanks, Nik. The effort is greatly appreciated. (He made it for me in 'honor' of me joining up at BoH. It's a pic of A.J. praying! Very cool. LOL.)

All for now...

johnnyj

Happy Guy...

Fri, 19 Jul 2002 06:39:40 GMT

Yeah, it's late. I should so be in bed asleep. But Leo feels like playing on his computer, so I'm keeping him company. (We've got a big day tomorrow, but who cares. We'll sleep over the weekend. Unless we get together with Joey, MM and Charlie, that is. LOL.)

Welcome to new LJ friend Gray lilgray (from the RCF list)! This is becoming such a family affair...

And I'm so thrilled to see Sar saharafic has come into the RCF fold. Wonderful! Happy, happy. LOL.

Summer is great... (Even if several friends are hurting for money and out of jobs. Which is pretty sad...)

Hated that story about the five-year-old child in Cali. God. I'm going to be praying about that one. What an awful story. (I'm kind of glad school is out and I'm not having to discuss that one with students. Ugh.)

I'm back to working out again (got to keep in shape for my guy). I never exactly quit -- but I was sliding a little. LOL. (And Leo rarely if ever does that! He's serious about staying in shape. Therefore, so should I be...)

I agreed with Nik's saying that it's actually easier to 'comment' on what friends are posting inside their LJs inside our own LJs. (Did that make sense?) It does get confusing to try and keep up with it all otherwise! (Maybe if I spent more time online it wouldn't. But I don't see that in my destiny right now...)

Glad to hear about Mary from FatJoey! I was worried, too. (So was Leo.) Mary's been so sweet with us!

Need to goose the Nasty list. I was glad to see Kevin post a fic there! (Well, Kevin -- you sure do write het! LOL. Why not, considering you're a married guy...)

Okay, off to check on Leo's game. (And then I'll suggest some games of my own! LOL. Yes, FJ -- we are having a pretty fine time...)

johnnyj

Wow, Thank You!

Mon, 15 Jul 2002 09:49:30 GMT

To my awesome icon-maker, milo_hunt! I can't get over the three he sent me. Killer.

Thanks, guy.

johnnyj

Happy Anniversary to US!

Mon, 15 Jul 2002 07:28:59 GMT

I really had meant to write on July 3rd -- which was kind of the 'anniversary' of our true love getting officially started...

I'm talking about Leo leod and me, for those who don't know. LOL.

We've had such a fabulous year together. And it just gets better and better and BETTER. LOL. Wonderful. (Well, Leo's a pretty wonderful guy! And I'm a lucky one.)

Who'd have guessed we'd end up together way back when? To think Leo basically fell in love with me due to some stuff I posted online. Wow. That's incredible...

Okay, both Leo and I want to try to occassionally post here again. It's exciting to see so many friends posting here!

Happy summer to all. (We're having a great one!)

Leo's been pretty happy with the weather, over all. (Thank God for some nice, sunny days.) But we've yet to hit the nude beach this year! (How about it, Mistress Marilyn mistressmarilyn, Charlie charliemc and Joey fatjoey???) I'm up for it! (Maybe next weekend?)

I'm watching "ER" (which is currently sad, as is often true... sigh...). Leo's playing a computer game. LOL. Life is very good.

We'll be headed to bed soon. (Hurray for us!)

Hi to Sar and Charlie (if you guys are around, that is!)...

johnn

Everything is so Perfect!

Wed, 04 Jul 2001 08:38:22 GMT

I don't even know where to start! But I guess I'll just skip over a bunch and go back and do it later (hopefully!) -- and discuss today while it's still fresh in my mind...

My friend Leo and I drove up the Gorge today (specifically, the Columbia River Gorge -- on the Oregon side). Leo loves to drive, so I let him do the driving.

He started off suggesting some tunes, and naturally we ended up playing BSB's "Black and Blue" (which we both love!). I could hardly stop staring over at him. He's the most handsome and just... interesting looking man! I guess it's partly the ethnicity (he's this fascinating mix of African American, Hispanic, American Indian and I can't recall all whatelse right now)... He's got this wonderful warm copper skin and deep brown eyes and thick, dark hair cut just so around his face.

Of course, he's pretty meticulous about his appearance! But he didn't spend all that long getting ready this morning -- and wore these very SHORT jeans shorts and an orange/deep orange striped tank top. In fact, I gave him my orange bead bracelet to wear with it, and it's such a perfect match I told him to keep it...

I was in shorts and a black tank with my silk shirt over. Feeling much more spiffy than normal. And we were both in sandals -- but we took along our tennis shoes and socks, 'just in case' we might want to get out and walk somewhere...

So we drove up 'til we got to Multnomah Falls. Here's the 'official' description of the Falls (LOL):
Plummeting 620 feet from its origins on
Larch Mountain, Multnomah Falls is the
second highest year-round waterfall in the
nation. Here, all your senses will come
alive as you experience the sights and
sounds of these magnificent falls.

At the base of the falls lays historic
Multnomah Falls Lodge. Built in 1925
the lodge provides fine northwest cuisine
with a panoramic view from your table.

Actually, until 1995, it was the highest water falls in the nation. Then a huge boulder fell from somewhere and changed it slightly. Anyway...

He wanted to stop, and I was all for that. Told him it's the number one tourist attraction in Oregon (yeah, I know so much shit like that!), and that it would be full of people -- which it was, of course.

We pulled off and used the underground tunnel (which runs under the highway) to go over to the lodge. Then we headed up to the Falls. We decided to climb up to the bridge -- and I actually slipped on part of the trail and half-way lost my footing! And I've been up there lots and lots of times. But I had this 'distraction' bouncing up and down in front of my face --- which I mentioned to him! LOL.

We got to the bridge, and just decided to go for it and head up for the top of the falls. It's a mile up the trail -- and a steep hike! LOL. But we just kept plugging away. I'd brought along a backpack and had gatorade (thank God!) inside. Anyway, it was a nice hike -- and we chatted most of the way (when I wasn't huffing and puffing!).

He's in better shape than I am -- but I'm pretty good! It was pretty close today (humid), and we were in a sweat -- but it was so much fun! And after we (finally!) made it to that platform at the top, we headed on down still 'visiting' and getting to know each other better. Such fun!

Then we drove on past Hood River and to The Dalles, as I'd mentioned The Discover Center to him, and we decided we'd like to check it out together.

Right after we got inside we found ourselves just in time to watch a movie about the Missoula River Flood that was FASCINATING!!! It was info neither of us had encountered previously, so we were pretty caught up in it. (Wish I could just have a copy of it to share at school somehow. It was really interesting about the formation of the Gorge and the Scablands the Willamette Valley and so on. Really good shit...

Leo loved the fact that things were so 'hands on' here! He had to put on the rubber apron the fisheries use to use and stand on the windsurf (they used a camera to put YOU into a lifesize photo on the windsurf -- pretty cool!). And we climbed inside the old-time auto (me driving and him in back) -- even though it was hard getting those doors open and squeezing behind the wheel!

It was VERY hot outside while we were here... but we walked around the paths outside and talked more. We were pretty... well, we were very into each other. And discussed him maybe staying on here with me longer! (I sure hope he does!) He has another two weeks until his tennis camp -- and I'd love him to spend those with me. Love it.

We actually got food at McDonalds after that -- chicken McNuggets and those little apple pie things -- which Leo admitted he loves. Told me he sometimes gets them on the way to school and eats them for breakfast! In fact, we got four, and saved two so we could eat them for breakfast tomorrow.

We just talked and talked on the drive home! He told me more about his family -- interesting stuff. His Dad sounds 'formidable.' I can't relate, as I never knew my own Dad, and Grandpa died when I was little -- and there were no uncles and so on. I've never really had a man in my life in that way. And it sounds like Leo's Dad has had an enormous effect on his life. Very interesting man!

Leo told me so many stories. Like when he graduated from high school. His dad takes him outside and there's a BMW. And his Dad hands him the keys and then starts in this thing where he shows Leo the sticker and how much the car costs (like $30,000) -- and that many people never even make that much money in a year. And that if he goes on to teach school, he won't make that much money like for years. And then what you could buy with that much money. And on and on. He wants his son to have things -- but not to take them for granted. And I think that's very cool.

Leo said that he's actually done farm work in the fields and picked berries and all sorts of things. And I hadn't expected that. But his parents worked hard to get where they are, and they want him to understand the benefits of hard work. Very cool shit.

But I guess they were very unhappy (especially his Dad!) that Leo wasn't going to be home for the Fourth. It's a big family day for them. I think it's cool that he stood up to them and came to see me anyway...

Of course, they don't know I'm an on line friend. They know I'm a teacher-friend, but not that we met on line. They're pretty conservative. They also don't know that Leo came here really caring about me -- and knowing we might be close. (Sexual, I mean.) But Leo did say his Dad was a smart man -- and not unaware of Leo's interest in other men.

Of course, Leo and I discussed our feelings about our individual sexual identities, too. Turns out we both really like being with women -- and also like to be with men. So I guess we're officially bisexual and happy that way. Leo feels monogamy is a difficult concept -- and I agree with him...

On the way home we stopped at the store for kitty litter for the cats (I swear they're growing on Leo -- but he's still doubtful) and then got Coke Slurppies for us! LOL.

Anyway, it's late, we're both beat and hope to shower off and head to bed (together!)... We have a big day tomorrow -- over at Mistress Marilyn's and Charlie's house (with FatJoey) for the Fourth of July! We're both excited about it.

I think Leo is so perfect. More so than I could have ever even imagined... This is such a great time in my life!

I'm going to stop babbling now...

School's Out, Boys and Girls!

Sat, 23 Jun 2001 06:53:13 GMT

Well, it's official! Today was the last day of school in good old Vancouver, U.S.A.

Hurray! Johnny is now free (well, until he starts his summer school courses...)! It's a great feeling after a very LONG school year.

Maybe now I can find some time to write fanfic again (finally!).

You know what? I'm going to miss the kids, though. Some of my graduating Seniors are just swell kids that I like so much. I hope they come back and see me sometime... (I hate those stories from other teachers about how they never even hear what happens to some of their favorite students! Hate that to bits.)

Well, I'm staying up really, really late -- mainly because I can. LOL. (Well, I'd be able to do that, anyway, as it IS Friday night. But still. It's just the idea. LOLOL.)

Man, I suppose I should think about painting my house this summer. It sure could use it! But I'm going to spend part of this weekend planting some flowers (I only have a few right now -- left over from last year!). I want to get the yard in shape so I can enjoy it during the nice weather.

And it HAS been nice here -- but it's supposed to rain this weekend. Figures. Well, I wasn't planning on going to the CART races, anyway. (Yes, Rose Festival is still in swing here! Actually, it's not over until after next weekend, when the Airshow will be the big event! I'd like to go to that -- I'll have to see how it works out...)

Well, I think I'll go check what's on late night TV. Or maybe I'll IM Leo (and see if he feels like talking dirty!)... LOL.

johnnyj

Kids Are Wonderful...

Fri, 25 May 2001 16:42:25 GMT

One of my favorite students has just been amazing recently. Always hanging around when he's got a free period and always helping out. He's smart and likable -- but still edgy. (Kind of a lot like me!) And talented and willing to work hard for his talent.

And he's been encouraging some of the other students to work to help out in various classes. It's totally seat-of-the-pants stuff -- not an organized effort or anything. But if he's coming by to see me he'll bring along some of his 'buds' and then they'll all end up helping me with whatever I'm doing at the time. Or if he's there and some other students drop by, he does the same thing. Jake gets kids to participate and helps me manage my unruly classes (Sophomores are notoriously rowdy, I think -- it's like a 'middle child' thing) -- he's like a God-send sometimes...

I think how easily these kids around could disrupt the teaching process -- and how other teachers are complaining about Seniors who 'crash' a class and cause problems (which we talked about over coffee just yesterday morning). I'm so lucky to have kids like Jake who make teaching more enjoyable and more rewarding and LESS of a hassle. I never forget how much I like to teach, but sometimes I just feel grateful because the experience is SO good that I don't just like it -- I LOVE it.

The kids make that happen. You can like teaching even when you don't have fabulous (Leo's word!) kids -- but without good students, you can't LOVE teaching. And most days I'm in LOVE with my work -- no matter how tedious it gets.

Maybe my good mood is only partly these wonderful kids. I'm a lucky person -- still young myself (23), very physically active, with a good circle of supportive and fun-loving friends, a Mother who is warm and understanding. I do work I enjoy and feel is productive and making a change in the world. The weather is NOT cold and rainy (which is typical for the Pacific Northwest in the spring!) -- today is another bright, sunny day...

Online is quiet for me right now. My online friends have their own RLs to live, apparently. They're off doing things which matter to them -- just as I am doing things which matter to me. Even Leo has been very busy with the end of the school year. That's okay -- I want to feel that the time I spend online is used in a valuable way. I do want to write -- I've got a Howie fic prodding me lately. I don't know about posting it, though. I was flamed by some people at the HowieDoroughSlash list, and I don't really feel comfortable going back there. I haven't even been over there to read the posts recently. I know this is supposedly a 'water under the bridge' situation -- and there are people, like Jericho, who seem to be cool with me again -- but there was a number of those people who were more than a little put out by me. The 'forgiveness' I received didn't happen at the list -- so many of these folks remain unhappy with me -- and I feel some might actively dislike me. So, it's not really a happy place for me to 'play' anymore...

It's not like I HAVE to post my fic at all, actually. I could just share it around with some of my closer friends and let it go at that. The small amount of fic I've actually done never got all that much feedback, and it's not like I live or die for feedback, anyway (like many people do). Me, if I like the fic myself that's the most important thing.

Sure, it's a kick to get an award (which was probably undeserved, but what the hell) and to be hosted at a website (again, she could get someone better and who produces more fic, I'm sure). But if I never put another piece of my fic out there online, I'll live just fine... (And most of my online friends would never miss reading my fic, either. It's not like they're all saying, 'wow, wish Johnny would write another fic' or something. My ego is nicely in check about all this, I think. I'm an okay writer -- and I like my shit. And that's good enough for what is only a hobby, anyway.)

Class beckons! I've strayed well beyond my topic, as usual.

johnnyj

Beautiful Day!

Fri, 25 May 2001 00:16:01 GMT

Okay, the high today was 98 degrees (no, I wasn't referring to a boy band!) -- and in spite of the heat I found the day fabulous. Sunny and bright and spirit-lifting.

Our band is performing soon -- yes, Rose Festival is just around the corner now! -- and I've got some of the band kids in my classes. As always, they are both excited and just a little nervous. Doing well in a Rose Festival parade is a very big deal to them. And the event is broadcast on TV and is very important here in the Pacific Northwest.

I'm taking a huge bunch of kids over for the Junior Parade this year. Some will be helping out a group that's going to march and others will just be watching the fun. I arrange this every year, and it's sort of a big deal...

Plus I'll be going with a group of my 'special' (favorite and closest) students and some friends to attend the Starlight Parade. Love it -- it's just a really fun evening event. Undoubtedly the kids will end up down at the park going to the festival center for rides and such afterward while my friends and I hit some club. (It's catch as catch can for rides home after the parade!) The fleet doesn't get in until later in that week, so the clubs will be a little busier, but not full of sailors (and Marines!) until mid-week. (After all these years I still haven't decided if I like the influx of the military guys or not. Guess it depends on the guys and how much they've had to drink. Sometimes I play and they like it and tip well -- other times they can get rather nasty.)

There's just something about Rose Festival that brings me up! I'm looking forward to the end of the school year and all the tons of festival events during the month of June and just getting some time with friends and by myself.

Guess I need to get to grading papers.

johnnyj

Students -- Gotta Love Them!

Mon, 21 May 2001 21:52:05 GMT

Okay, I guess it's just expecting too much that students would work on the organizational aspects of a production... and not just get off on the 'fun' elements (like painting scenery, coming up with/sewing costumes and collecting props and so on).

I even kind of lost my temper today when it turned out the students in charge of scheduling one of the 'performances' hadn't connected with the administration office and had it put down for this week. The day we'd hoped to 'invite' the student body to view this in the auditorium is now 'previously' booked. This will bump us into next week -- which is delightful (please read some very strong sarcasm into that!).

Seeing the 14th Dalai Lama speaking on "Ethics for the New Millennium"

Wed, 16 May 2001 17:25:45 GMT

I'm so glad I was still able to go over to Portland with my friends to see the Dalai Lama at the Memorial Coliseum yesterday evening.

This was the event of a lifetime in my mind. I consider him to be more important in world affairs than the President of the United States, or any one world leader of any given nation. The only other person on the level of this great man would be the Pope, I guess.

So as he came out on stage everyone rose to their feet and I stood with tears just streaming down my face -- I was so overjoyed by the moment. To know that I was in the same room (even if that room was a huge venue) with one of the greatest men who has ever lived -- and truly one of the greatest men of our current time -- it was really incredible.

He is 66, and has a youthful and animated face just full of love and joy. He kept shielding his eyes as he tried to stare into the audience. He wanted to see the faces of the people he was speaking to.

He spoke of the 'power of vision' and of how each one person can make a difference. He encouraged us to be more peaceful inside ourselves, so that we could spread that peace to others. He made jokes and made us laugh and he spoke of world changes that made us applaud. I will never forget this special time as long as I live.

It put my recently burdened and difficult life into much better perspective for me. It made me realize how foolish I've been and how trivial my petty worries are in light of my looming future -- and in light of this big world I live in. (It made me reflect on how the internet has the means to make this world smaller -- and to bring us closer to one another -- if we can avoid the same conflicts that are in our face to face contacts.)

He spoke of violence and peace in ways that were enlightening for me on a personal level. And he spoke of love in ways that made me realize that it IS okay for me to love unconditionally and without expectations of what I might receive in return. I found that reassuring in light of my own desires to go on loving individuals (like my deceased friend, Jack) when there is no possibility of knowing that my love is being reciprocated.

I was uplifted and humbled by this experience. He spoke specifically about educators, and I was moved by that. I've always tried to do what he spoke of -- to impart ethics along with learning. I feel that his words will encourage me to continue doing so in spite of the difficulties involved.

Again, I felt love for someone who stood on a stage and inspired me. It was far different in many ways from watching a Backstreet Boys concert -- and yet interestingly enough, it was also the same in many ways. I came away from both experiences feeling happy, feeling renewed and feeling inspired. I wonder how the BSB would feel about being compared to the Dalai Lama? (And the greatest Dalai Lama to ever live. The man who has won so many awards they are too numerous to list, but include the Nobel Prize for Peace, the Albert Schweitzer Humanitarian Award and eighteen honorary doctorate degrees.) I suppose it's silly to make a comparison -- but if someone impacts your life in a positive way then they are great. Even if they are musical performers!

Of course I've read about the Dalai Lama, but seeing him made me want to find a book filled with his inspirational thoughts. I'll have to search at a bookstore the next time I get there.

I hope I can work to avoid conflicts and to be even more supportive of human rights and environmental issues after hearing his words. I'd like to be more tolerant of others, express even greater respect and feel even more compassion in light of this experience.

I bought the souvenir canvas bag -- corny, I know, but I wanted a physical reminder which would bring the event to mind whenever I glanced at it. I guess I'll use it to carry my schoolbooks in from now on. And I'm sitting staring at my bookmark commemorating the occasion and feeling awed. I got to see the Dalai Lama in person! I am so lucky.

The small program they provided contains his picture and it was interesting that they included inside a small message asking that this program be treated with respect, as any images of the Dalai Lama are considered sacred. I think of how we attend events and people just toss their programs to the floor, and am hopeful that others saw this small print note and paid heed...

We who live in this great nation are so fortunate -- and yet so wasteful. I'm as bad as anyone else. I hope I CAN find a way to stir my students to really CARE about world events. Leo and I were discussing it, and he mentioned how the one time he did bring up an important event online (the school shooting that took place in San Diego), I was the only one on that entire list who even responded to it. He said it concerned him that online lists rarely (if ever) seem to care about what's going on in their countries or in the world (or if they do, they certainly never discuss it). We both feel that the internet should make us all more cognizant -- and not less so -- of these things!

This is a huge post, but I'm still home from school (supposedly writing Jack's eulogy) and pondering my life -- especially the past several days. I wish I'd seen the Dalai Lama before certain things happened. I feel I might have dealt differently with those things and the people involved. Hindsight is great -- isn't it? LOL.

Well, maybe I can make up for those mistakes in the future. I certainly plan to try. I don't kid myself that I'll be a different person -- but we can all make subtle changes for the better in our lives, after all.

johnnyj

Love Lives On...

Tue, 15 May 2001 00:24:57 GMT

Just a short note to finish today. My friend Jack passed away while I sat holding his hand. I know the love he shared with others (including me) will live on, even though he is gone from this world. And I hope I can share that love with the people in my future.

I'm pleased to be able to say that friendship online can be as meaningful as friendship in our day-to-day lives. I've received some very kind words today from someone I thought no longer liked me. Those words were a comfort during a very difficult time. I guess even in dark times when I've shown my ugly side to others, I can be loved as a friend. That means so much to me.

I will now sit and quietly take a minute to celebrate the life of my friend, before going to comfort his poor mom. It was a very quiet and peaceful end.

johnnyj

Life Isn't Static...

Mon, 14 May 2001 19:27:48 GMT

Thank God, life is NOT static. It changes, ebbs and flows. It's a mix of wonder and disillusionment. Joy and misery. Highs and lows.

My friend, maybe my best friend, Jack Davies, is dying. What does the Bible say? There is a time to be born and a time to die. Something like that. This is Jack's time. Even if I've been feeling it's too early and too rushed.

Leo said such warm and meaningful things to me about this. How it's okay to be angry at Jack for shooting himself. And how it was right for me to tell him I forgive him. He said that Jack was glad to hear me say it, even if he isn't able to tell me that. I'm pretty much getting over the anger -- and the guilt. I guess I believed if I'd been a good and true friend, Jack would have come to ME -- instead of shooting himself. Leo said Jack's struggle to hang on and to open his eyes again show that he didn't really want to die. I found that statement so true. I guess maybe Jack had second thoughts, and that's some kind of comfort to me.

But Leo is right. It's time for Jack to move on. He'll never be whole and happy again in this world. I can only hope, as Leo said, to meet him again someday.

Friendships come and go and love comes and goes for many people. For me, once I care and love it's forever. I'll always love Jack. And one day I'll be able to be with him and share that love again -- I believe that.

But there are other people I love that I'll never be able to be close to -- in this world or the next. But that's a part of existence, too. I can love without being loved in return -- that's okay. We do it all the time when we love the Backstreet Boys and wish them the best. They will probably never know it, but it doesn't matter. Somehow this kind of love is very pure and very good. And I think it reaches out and touches the ones we love, even if we never get to know it for certain.

I've learned a lot -- so very much -- about love in the last few days. I believe in love more than I ever did before, and believe it's endless. I don't think it has to be returned to be meaningful or true. Love isn't ever a bad thing, even when it hurts us. Pain is a part of life and can't be avoided. But that shouldn't stop us from loving as deeply as we can.

I wish every person who has had a difficult loss -- or who is having a difficult loss, or who will have one someday -- could have a friend as kind and understanding and gentle and loving as Leo. Someone who can see beyond the outbursts and emotion and tears and pain and make them feel whole and worthy and loved again. This man is beyond any simple words I can write here. I feel humbled by his simple good humor and gentle words and constant support.

I hope someday I can pass on these same feelings to others in need. Because life isn't static. Losses will always happen. Death or other losses. And we all need shoulders to lean on from time to time.

I'm going to think about the quality of love for the rest of the day. And next time I write, I think I'll put down all the positive things I know and I feel about it.

johnnyj